


Back home, far from home.

by shm00mzz



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bittersweet, Gen, I'm Sorry, Internal Monologue, Light Angst, POV First Person, Post-Chairman Election Arc, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, autistic gon freecss, mentions of recreational ging freecss punching, mostly just sad moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shm00mzz/pseuds/shm00mzz
Summary: Sometimes I can’t see, or can’t breathe. Sometimes my hearing just becomes a high pitched noise, like a whistle but higher and it doesn’t stop. I get dizzy and I start crying.I guess life isn’t fair. But it still makes me feel sad.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Back home, far from home.

**Author's Note:**

> hi i just beat ocarina of time again and then majoras mask so you know im just marinating in that loss of childhood innocence shit. i vent through my kins ehee
> 
> From Gon's POV, writing simplified for a younger person with more direct/'immature' thought processes. AKA: Autistic Gon written by an autistic author.
> 
> TWs for repressed trauma, mention of Kite's death, scars, self blame, CSA implications, vague descriptions of an onset traumatic spiral/episode that isn't depicted at all here.
> 
> also not beta read good luck

Whale island doesn’t really feel like home to me now. Not the way it used to. Mito is still here, and her grandmother as well, and they treat me the way they used to, but with later curfew and fewer rules. I really don’t mind, it really felt bad to have grown-ups treat me like a little kid, but it’s different with them, I think. 

The people in town treat me with more respect now. They ask me questions about things, mostly about being a hunter and all the things i’ve gotten to do. They tell me i’m like Ging, and I don’t know how to feel about that. They think it’s funny that he got punched. I don’t know how to feel about that either, I wasn’t there.

Sometimes Mito hesitates when talking to me and says ‘nevermind.’ That makes me feel weird. I don’t know why she can’t just say it, it’s like she’s holding out her hand for me to high five and then pulls it away. That doesn’t really feel fair, but most things aren’t fair, I guess.

The forests are just as full as they were when I left, I even see tiny new trees poking up out of the ground. It’s really quite nice to walk down trails that I make in my head because there aren’t any marked ones out here. I remember where I’m going and use things in nature to help me in case I forget. Turn left at the tree shaped like a Y, go straight when you see the big rock with four smaller rocks around it. That’s how I get to the lake.

I don’t really go fishing though. I don’t know why, but my tummy always feels weird when I pick up a rod. I like the taste of fish, I like to hold them and set them free, too. So I don’t really get why I would feel sick.

I like to sit at the ports and docks and hang around the men that work there. They don’t talk to me, probably because i’m a kid. Fifteen is still a kid, that’s what people tell me. Leorio told me that too, he called me ‘kiddo’ a lot. That didn’t make a lot of sense though because my name is Gon, and nicknames usually have your real name in them. ‘Kiddo’ only has one letter from my name, and that’s ‘O.’ I guess it just means he likes me.

I never got a new phone, so I just wait for letters to come. Leorio’s really the only one that sends them though, probably because Kurapika is missing and Killua’s going all over the place with Alluka. It doesn’t matter all that much, really. Sometimes when I write back, I'll wait at the port so it can be taken with the overseas mail. Other boats come sometimes, boats with people on them, and I run home. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to be near it. I can’t force myself to stay either, because one time I tried, and I threw up into the ocean over the edge of the dock and cried when I saw some women get off of the ship.

I didn’t tell Mito about it, because she might think it’s her fault or keep me at home, and I don’t want that. I think she found out though, Whale Island isn’t that big and people gossip a lot. Maybe that’s one of the things that makes her hesitate when she talks to me. I don’t know.

There’s a scar on my upper arm that she looks at a lot, it goes all the way around like a bracelet and she looks sad when she stares. I don’t tell her that I see her staring because that might make her more upset. I don’t like it when she’s sad, especially when it’s my fault.

I don’t even know how I got the scar, really. I don’t remember a lot of things that happened the night we attacked, with Knuckle and Shoot and Morel, Knov and Killua. Meleron and Ikalgo, we were all fighting but I don’t remember most of what happened. I try not to think about Palm because it makes me feel weird, like my throat is closing up, like when the women got off the boat.

I try really hard to remember things sometimes, but it kind of feels like my brain shuts all of the doors and windows when I try to go and find my memories. When I remember little snippets, I feel sick again.

I definitely remember a few things though, and even though I really want to remember everything else, I want to forget those things twice as much.

I remember Kite, and him getting attacked, and that he died, but when I think about it my chest gets all tight. It’s stupid, because Kite is alive again, I don’t know why i’m still sad and mad about it. I remember NGL and the royal guards and going into that big capital building to fight and not much else after that. It’s scary, because I have bad dreams about those things that have all of the missing puzzle pieces, but they run away when I wake up.

Sometimes I can’t see, or can’t breathe. Sometimes my hearing just becomes a high pitched noise, like a whistle but higher and it doesn’t stop. I get dizzy and I start crying. I don’t like it, I'd rather go back to how I felt before I left. But then I wouldn’t have my friends, like Killua.

But Killua had to go away, and I had to come home and now I have no powers and no friends. It doesn’t feel fair.

I guess life isn’t fair. But it still makes me feel sad.

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAA theres that. 
> 
> its interesting to do retrospective kinda stuff like this esp because Gon is like. My second highest or highest kin.   
> I hope I did an okay job with writing from his perspective without infantilizing him, he just behaves very young and likely has cognitive development issues because this boy has sm trauma i hate it here
> 
> posts this quickly bc i have therapy in literally 4 minutes


End file.
